Alleged Neasden gangster and Mr Fixit, Arthur Pewty of Neasden today appealed to massed ranks of press and paparazzi to leave him alone.
Reciting an oft repeated mantra, Pewty denied any link between himself and organised crime, despite being implicated as being highly involved in the infamous Neasden Kebab shop wars.
"I just wish you bastards would listen to what I'm saying to you from time to time. I am not a gangster. I have a regular job and a family to support. Some twat who writes for satirical website theSpoof.com implied that I was a gangster almost a year ago, and my life has been a living hell ever since. I thought all this nonsense had been forgotten, but then that Skoob drags it all up again. If I ever get my hands on that bastard, I'll wring his scrawny neck!"
We managed to contact Skoob, who told us:
"Arthur Pewty is a gangster. No two ways about it. He was heavily involved in the 'Neasden Kebab Shop Wars' and it's rumoured that he was also a leading player in the 'Sandwich Shop Suicide Bombings'. This is not irresponsible reporting. Arthur Pewty is a mob boss who needs to be exposed."
Another Spoof writer, Queen Mudder, told us:
"Ignore Skoob. He's just an ignorant fool. Besides, I have been approached regarding legal representation by the Pewty family."
More as we get it.