Balmoral, Scotland - (Feast of the Assumption Mess): And it's all over for notorious monarchy hoaxer Mrs Joseph Ratzinger.
A frantic late Friday night phone call from Prime Monster Gorgon Brown confirmed the worst:
Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi has admitted getting five million quid from HM's Cuntts & Co bank account to blow up Pan Am flight 103.
Disaffected Scottish Nationalist nutters have seized the videoed confession and are threatening to publish it on the Royal YouBoob! channel.
Moreover, their top negotiating tool is the Russian-registered Arctic Roll ship, highjacked near the Dover Straits for her Plutonium-210 cargo and now lying off Scottish waters, laden with 20 tonnes of Semtex.
The video claims the Cuntts money persuaded Prince Charles pals to blow up some Irish people in Omagh on 15 August 1998.
At her Ballybollox Castle hideaway the atmosphere is grim.
"For gawd's sake someone remember to top up her cardiac pacemaker battery credit!" Brown was heard hollering down the blower.
An MI5 chip implanted in the device is set for meltdown some time during the annual Tossing Off the Caber ceremony in August 2009.