Written by matwil
Print this

Thursday, 13 August 2009

image for 2.4. million British unemployed told to 'get elected as MPs' by Norman Tebbit
Lord Tebbit's bike

Lord Tebbit, the former ultra right-wing Cabinet Minister who helped to throw millions of British workers onto the dole in the 1980s, said of the now 2.4 million British unemployed: 'What's wrong with these whingers?'

'If they're out of work, all they have to do is get on their bikes and cycle to their nearest Labour or Conservative constituency headquarters, then apply to become candidates for the next General Election. If you can ride a bike and speak passable English, you'll be elected as an MP. Just look at David Cameron.'

The job of being an MP used to be an honourable and skilled one, requiring intelligence and life experience and a wide knowledge of current affairs, but now any dolenik with acne would do a better job of being an MP than people like Hazel Blairs, Gordon Washington and David To-Themanorborn.

'I know', Lord Tebbit said, after biting off the head of a passing vampire bat, 'of course we'll have to make Parliament a lot bigger to fit in the 2.4 million extra MPs. And build more restaurants and swimming pools. And plant more forests. And get more travel agents in. But why lie about all day doing nothing on Jobseekers Allowance, when you can lie about all day doing nothing in the House of Commons and get paid a fortune for it? And lie a lot too. Get on yer bikes!'

After Lord Tebbit's comments thousands of unemployed people in Tyneside began to organise 'a new Jarrow March', and planned out its itinerary. 'First we need tae stop at Pret a Manger tae stock up on wer avacadoo dips, like', said Jobseeker and March organiser Andrew Capp, 'then we'll be hiring Limousines to speed up the march to London a bit.'

'Then, after a few weeks seeing a few of the ancient sights there - the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, an honest Labour MP - we'll tak wer seats in the Mother of Parliaments as Labour MPs, and sit aboot drinking and talkin' shite, and booing and whistlin' at other gits talkin' shite back at us.'

'Then we'll head off tae the Expenses office and claim all wer food and drink and Limousine costs back from the government. Thanks Sir Norman, you're a reet bonny lad, suggestin' we should get on wer bikes and get elected as MPs!'

But Labour leader Gordon Brown wasn't so pleased at the idea of a sudden influx of Labour MPs from Tyneside. 'Look, we can't have the Labour Party being filled up with these working-class filth', he said, 'some of them don't even have a law degree!'

'No, the whole point of the Labour party is - er - oh look, it's 3-30, and time for the vote on the MPs Are Useless Human Parasites That Should Be Put On Jobseekers' Allowance And Made To Look For Real Work bill. I'm confident it won't be passed, though. We'll join up with the Tories and kill the bill. Kill bill! Ha ha ha ha ha ...'

Lord Tebbit himself was heard chuckling more sincerely in the next door House of Lords, as his shares in bicycle manufacturing firms and avocado importers were rising faster than a Labour MP's blood pressure at a deselection committee meeting.

MPs were unavailable for comment about anything of interest any more, but BBC News 24 still managed to fill its schedules with endless features about them.

Make matwil's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 multiplied by 5?

8 16 17 10
34 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more