Walton Jail, Liverpool: New 40 Hour working week announced for prisoners having an alarming effect on the prisoners at Liverpools All Inclusive 4+ star Gaol. (GAOL, not GOAL, currently used sparingly at Liverpool FC)
Secretary of State for INJustice and Former Chelsea No 10, Ken Clarke, said plans were being introduced to stop bone idle gits enjoying life inside on a freebie at the taxpayers expense.
- "It's all about teaching these perverts of society that they can no longer simply commit repeated crimes and live a life of laziness in our jails. I mean if it was up to me, as in years gone by, I'd shoot the peasant bastards anyway, but hey ho, one can't have it all". said jovial Tory Mr Clarke as he awkwardly pretended to pop a cap in someone's ass.
Many of Walton's prisoners have turned their back on crime and are now seeking forgiveness in the arms of Our New Lord Messiah - The Ginger One - Kenny Dalglish. Leading Liverpool Lags spoke on a video link to our News Hound outside the gates via a special butt-fitting camera phone, secretly smuggled in by now reformed thieving git Rob Diss, 29 from Croxteth.
"I'm really sorry for everythin av done like, I really didn't mean ter nick me mams new 65" plasma the day she gorrit like, an to go to me granz and fake her siggy on the Dole cheque, honest to Dalgleesh [GOD] mate, I can't face goin to werrrk, de shame of it an all dat. I pray every night dat our Lord king Kenny will rescue me from da CLOCK Masheen".
His twin brother Rob Datt, affectionately known together as 'a pair of knobs' (?) is also a reformed thieving git from Croccy and said it was his ambition to be a good family man from now on and not steal from his 6 yr old daughters special sweet pinky fluffy piggy bank which she's had since childbirth and contained all her spends, to fund his 15 year heroin addiction.
"Yer know like, it's just da shame of it all, an all dat, having to werrrk yer know, not stealin from yer daughters piggy bank dat's fine, I gorra a medal in here fer dat, but-cher know warra mean like, it's well out ov order! shhhhhhite, they're gonna force us ter make Everton Shertz fer de bitterz across de Parrrk, 'Ow-ma s'posed ter tell me kids dat I'm doin dat doh eh? you just dont doo dat doh, do yer eh soft lad?".
It's thought liverpool F.C fans are more susceptible to seeking forgiveness than their Evertonian counterparts as they seem to accept any old twat as their manager, no matter how shite he is.
As if looking back on history with rose tinted spectacles wasn't enough, Liverpool FC fans are now ready to embrace an Old King thrust upon them from the past.....when everybody knows New King Mourinho would be their only saviour......as gerrard and Carragher have been saying every year for the last ten years' just wait til next year, we're only a couple of player short'