An amendment to the child punishment law has been voted in at the House of Lords. Parents are no longer allowed to touch their children in any way at all.
A family in preston is one of the first to be prosecuted. "My son Billy fell over, and I went to pick him up to console him, as he'd hurt his knee. The next thing I know, I'm in the dock, being prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I've been sent down for 12 months for child cruelty." ranted Mrs. Holebrook. The defendant's QC, Mr. Tony Fryer, was incensed. "The Lords have really screwed it up this time. Still, it means lots more cases, and lots more money for me."
The Prontiss family, from Devon, have also found themselves in hot water: from having a baby. "I can't believe it. All I did was give birth, and now I've been arrested for it. What's a mother to do?" Mrs Prontiss continued, "Actually, mother's have got it easy under this new law. My sister's a midwife, and is facing 23 seperate life sentences. I don't know how they can get away with this."
Another adult, who wished to remain anonymous, was brung low by this law: "I was playing 'tic' with my 8 year old son, when all of a sudden, the social services new Rapid Response Unit screeched to a halt outside my house. Before I knew what was going on, I was bundled into the back of the car and taken to the tower of london, and locked in a dungeon. I think they've gone too far now, I've been down here 2 months now with no human contact. I only want to feel the fresh air on my face, my family can go hang." He went on to say, "I don't think the Lords know what they are doing anymore. They are all senile and smell of wee."
A Lords' representative, Lady Ada Brush, after reading the criticism, stopped at this point and asked if we'd like a nice cup of tea and a nice piece of cake. After we had settled, she put the report to one side and started telling us about how she missed 'her Johnny', and how much of a saint he was.
Lord Archer is no longer middle aged.