Written by Roy Turse
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Wednesday, 29 July 2009

image for Hellmouth Opens in Grounds of Knebworth House
Poor Damian got poked in the evil eyes

The Occult News is reporting that about 50,000 demons have been spotted rampaging around the grounds of Knebworth House near Stevenage, prompting fears that a new Hellmouth has opened.

The demons, many of them pasty teenagers or pot-bellied middle-agers are said to be dressed in outlandish clothing, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and shaking their heads violently at a variety of loud music. Video taken at the site has prompted a run on the price of denim, leather and metal studs on the commodities markets.

Occult News reporter Damian Sporn has been at the scene and has been telling us what he saw.

"The noise is unbelievable! It's like two huge tectonic plates have been wrenched apart and the souls of the damned have risen, screaming into the night. And that was just the sound-check for Metallica."

He continued: "I have been to hell. I have waded through the world's effluence and slept in my own vomit. My hearing is almost destroyed and people kept diving off the stage onto my head. My eyes are bleeding after I walked into a heavy metal salute, and my stomach heaves with the devil's brew of warm cider and undercooked burger."

We have no idea what he is talking about, but it certainly seems as though hell may have broken through into rural Hertfordshire. The police are advising caution when joining the A1(M) at Junction 7.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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