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Tuesday, 13 July 2004

image for Bastille Day honor for Bush: Queen to bestow Order of the Garter?

London (Rioters) - Speculation is reaching fever pitch in the corridors of power at Whitehall that Buckingham Palace will announce tomorrow that President George Bush Jr has been created a Knight of the Order of the Garter, the world's oldest order of Chivalry.

The move follows weeks of delicate talks between the Palace, No 10 and the White House which suggested the date of July 14th, France's great national holiday commemorating the overthrow of French monarchy in the form of the House of Bourbon and the storming of their hated prison La Bastille. The coup transformed France into a Republic whose administration then beheaded the former incumbents at the guillotine.

Although at first glance Bastille Day might seem incongruous with the proposed gift of the UK's premier Royal honor to an American Republican - especially one so devoid of any historically-verifiable act of chivalry towards the British Monarch - Rioters News Agency has learned that such a subtle diplomatic move may be the crowning moment for the Blair administration as it waits for the findings of the Butler Report into British WMD intelligence to be published in the media.

The Prime Minister's unofficial spokesperson said today: "With the whole world up in arms about 'Saddam's Yellowcake Uranium = Fruitcake in the White House' intelligence from MI6, there is absolutely no question whatsoever about any form of public diversionary tactic or spin to draw attention away from Lord Butler's findings tomorrow.

"As for the President, Mr Bush has been a true gent towards Her Majesty and even took her corgis for a comfort break walk after dinner last November following the State Banquet she threw for him. That he then mistook a Palace footman in the Banqueting Hall corridor for a lamp post in the Royal Mews is a trifling matter, maybe proportional to the drop in level of the contents of the Presidential hip-flask which, as every one knows, contains his personal homeopathic preparation."

Meanwhile, the Sergeant-at -Arms at the Royal College of Arms confirmed that the Order of the Garter is confined to no more than a dozen recipients and is awarded for personal acts of valor towards the Monarch. "Keeping quiet about something - like retrievable Enron-fed offshore bank accounts - might constitute an act of chivalry towards the Queen. So might shredding CIA dossiers about Princess Diana's arms dealing toy boys in Pakistan's fledgeling nuclear weapons industry. Or that Queen Elizabeth has a son by President Bush Senior who is a UK Prime Ministerial wannabee. I could go on, the list looks endless."

A potential quid pro quo scenario cannot be ruled out therefore: historians today were quick to point out that Her Majesty had previously personally guaranteed that the President's youthful forays into the London clubbing scene in the 1960s and 70s were for ever deleted from New Scotland Yard narcotics abuse records, as had subsequent appearances before Horseferry Road Magistrates Court on charges of drunkenness and incapacity.

"Perhaps it is not the Garter that Mr Bush is to be honored with tomorrow, but the new Blair-instigated Order of the Barter", said a spokesman.

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