Liverpool footballer and underachiever Steven 'Calm Down, Calm Down' Gerrard was today appearing in court, on what the judge called 'the worst case of Scouse gittery that it has been my misfortune to hear about'.
CCTV footage shows Gerrard acting like a plonker, drinking shandies and acting like some sort of self-important tough guy, then for no particular reason suddenly shouting 'Liverpewl are magic, Everton are tragic!', and throwing the contents of his shandy glass over a 12-year old girl's hair.
The girl, another Liverpool citizen, then headbutted Gerrard to cheers of 'Gi's a job! Go on!' from bystanders, and the Liverpool player burst into tears. But when it was pointed out to him that this had all been recorded on CCTV, he paid the bar manager to wipe the tape, then had himself recorded being very, vey tough indeed, punching a man in a way that a 12-year old girl would laugh at.
'See us Scousers', he said in his defence, 'we're not all big girls' blouses that even Manchurians laugh at. We've 'ard in the 'Pool, and stop laughing, please. Liverpool is, well, where people like The Beatles left as soon as they could. And Gerry and the Peacemakers, til all that's left is Scouse gits like me.'
'Acting like big girls' blouses. No wonder England are so hopeless at football, when a sap like me is seen as 'tough' in Liverpool. I hang my head in shame, your honour, I have once again been guilty of being a Scouse git ponce.'
Summing up before sentencing, Judge Joanne Rowling O'O-Seven said: 'Scouse gits are not to be tolerated in the United Kingdom. Despite your pleading guilty, I have no option but to give you the heaviest sentence this court can give, which is a fate worse than death.'
'You will have to spend the rest of your Scouse git life in the city of Liverpool, drinking shandies and acting like a big girl's blouse. Court dismissed!', and Gerrard was helped out of the dock, crying into his silk handkerchief.
'Next case!' 'One Sir Paul McCartney, m'lady, charged with both being another Scouse git, but also having an irritating accent and living outside of Liverpool', and Judge O'O-Seven promptly retired out of despair, and took up writing multi-million selling books about laundromats and witchcraft, set in the extremely unScouse but possibly even more gittish city of Edinburgh, where being called 'a git' is seen as a polite compliment.
Steven Gerrard - the Scouse gits' Scouse git.