Written by JP Johnston
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Wednesday, 22 July 2009

image for Do We Need The Bloody Helicopters Or Not?
No Need Helicopter Yes No? Yes? Helicopter?

London, England - In response to allegations from David Cameron and other opposition figures, the government has clarified the situations regarding helicopters in Afghanistan and the threat to pregnant women from the swine flu pandemic.

"We have enough helicopters for the job we are doing at the moment," said PM Gordon Brown, "And nobody has died for lack of helicopters."

"However," said Lord Marsh-Malloch Brown, Foreign Office Minister, "We don't have enough helicopters. Soldiers are dying needlessly."

His original statement was corrected by Gordon Brown in a briefing at No 10 who said, "Shut the fuck up! What did you think you were doing, you inbred fucking mutant arsehole? You can forget any post in this government as long as I am alive you stupid c***. I'm having you marked down as a bloody Islamist terrorist so forget going anywhere without being cavity searched. Your life will be a fucking misery you piece of useless shit. Now get out there and toe the fucking line. Oi, Mandy, get some twat from the MOD and threaten him about his pension until he says the right thing. We look like fucking idiots. Bloody hell, is this microphone still on?"

Lord Marchmallow Brown later qualified his original statement by saying, "We have enough helicopters. Nobody is dying who doesn't need to be dying."

Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart of MOD Ltd's UNIT clarified further by adding, "We have enough helicopters for what we're doing now. We just don't have enough helicopters for what we ought to be doing. Nobody has died from lack of helicopters, but nobody would die if we had more. There are simply not enough of more helicopters for what it is we need to be have already definitely been doing very well indeed. Bloody Argies. Shooting at us with our own weapons. Was that alright?" The Brigadier is to retire soon.

Additionally, pregnant women "Should stay indoors, talk to nobody, try not to breath near anyone, and get someone to answer the phone for them," according to the Royal College of Midfielders, although they should, "Live their lives as normal, go to football matches, lick the buttons in lifts, and even go roller skating with large numbers of dogs as if they were having periods as usual."

However the department of health suggests they are at no greater risk and that the flu is mild and nothing will happen although millions will die, nothing can stop it, and we should all join religious organisations, although don't go to church as you "might die."

That's cleared that up. Thanks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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