London (Loiters) - The much awaited report on Iraqi WMD intelligence, due to be published on Bastille Day by Lord Butler, will slate MI6's newly elevated chief John "Captain" Scartlett as being incapable of knowing the difference between UK military intelligence and Mossad counter-intelligence.
That is the official finding of the Butler inquiry, snippets of which were leaked over the weekend, castigating The Mysterons - a highly covert wing of the UK's Provisional Ministry of Defence which took over running the country shortly after George Bush Junior was appointed by the US Supreme Court to run the Office of the President of the United States in December 2000.
Captain Scarlett, who chaired the UK's Joint Intelligence Committe in the run up to the Iraq war, was recently elevated to heading MI6 by the Prime Minister as a reward for his efforts in steering the JIC in the right direction to come up with the patently obvious conclusion that Saddam had a lot of oil which was lying around doing nothing while sad American citizens were driving about senselessly
trying to fill the gas tanks of their Hummers for less that $1 a gallon.
While running the JIC Scarlett confronted his previous adversaries The Mysterons, whose awesome powers had been emasculated by Tony Blair in The Good Friday Agreement when he declared them a totally legitimate paramilitary ethnicity and gave them the keys to the UK's MoD.
Using insider contacts of the PM's Middle East envoy Lord Levy, Scarlett infiltrated The Mysterons and smashed his way through the firewalls of their secret intelligence files to discover the 45 minute claim of Saddam's battlefield weapons' capability.
Lord Butler's report is widely expected to recommend a hereditary peerage for Scarlett in the Prime Minister's Birthday Honours list and elevation to the post of President of the European Union by the year 2005.