Written by Ron Smith
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Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for Too Many Scottish People
A Scottish Blue Looking For Money Or Drink

A survey suggests that there are too many Scottish people and that there should be a cull. The Scottish have become a problem since being introduced in an attempt to rid us of the Welsh and the Irish, the main infestation occuring in an area known as Parliament which is in Central London.

"Once they get in, you can't get them out", said a Mr Cameron who has been trying to eradicate the colony since it swarmed about twelve years ago. "I hate them. They're like ticks, but fatter and uglier and blind and stupid and in my house - MY HOUSE!", he screamed.

Ten per cent of the house has succumbed to the plague. The main concern though is the Scottish Brown, a pernicious scuttling strain of the species that has managed to burrow itself deep into the main structure, unnoticed by anyone until it was too late.

"The best way to deal with them is to entice them out with cash incentives", said an insider who can't be named due to an accent. "Coax them out with money and then despatch them quickly, before they swarm again."

This system known as 'The Money Trap' has worked before but the side effects can be unfortunate, often luring innocent English victims into financial difficulties. If captured, the Scottish will be returned to the wild and sent to a permanent reserve set aside for them in a specifically designed hive in Holyrood, Edinburgh. Should they return, it could spell more disaster for the English.

Experts suggest though, that as soon as money runs out, the Scottish usually disappear overnight taking nothing with them except gold, diamonds and anything they can flog in the tenements of Glasgow, leaving behind a trail of broken promises, broken windows and broken lives.

There is also hope that they may die out naturally as they find it difficult to breed or attract a mate due to their lack of pretty much everything. This may well be the last of them. Och Aye The Noo.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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