Written by Ron Smith
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Topics: London

Sunday, 12 July 2009

image for Man 'Allergic To London' Dies
A Normal London Beefeater Doing His Thing

A man who was allergic to London has died after coming into contact with the city.

Frank Needler discovered this rare condition - Londinitis, known commonly as Capital Fever, at the age of 11 when he went on a school visit to the UK's most popular holiday destination.

Speaking about his illness last year he said:

"I just threw up all over Soho. I thought it was the eels or the prostitute, but it turned out to be everything and anything to do with London. I can't even pick up an A-Z or see a black cab driver without feeling queasy."

After his diagnosis, Mr Needler had to spend the rest of his life living in Yorkshire, a village as far from the metropolitan life as is possible to find on the planet.

He spent his days not watching television, not reading and trying not to find out anything about anything as is usual for these parts. Whilst living there he became interested in racism and shotguns and was a keen amateur know-it-all.

Mr Needler became violently ill after buying some chips and accidentally reading The Guardian newspaper that they were wrapped in.

Although no one can be sure what article it was that caused the allergic reaction, it is thought that it was a picture of a disabled black Polish homosexual Beefeater meeting the Queen that triggered the anaphylactic shock that killed him instantly.

No one will miss him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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