The bible is to be rewritten following a survey's findings that nobody knew anything about it. In the survey the 10 commandments were largely unknown, Daniel (of the lion's den) was thought to be the Lion King and Dot Cotton was thought to be the Immaculate Conception.
Church leaders decided upon some drastic action. They have rewritten the bible with the intention to appeal to the new generation. In the beginning the word is now to be "massive". The opening book was called "Genesis". However, Phil Collins' popularity is no longer as great as it was at the birth of man. The opening book has been changed to "U2". Bono has been included as a prophet, along with Eminem.
The ten commandments were originally brought down by Moses. Now the commandments are supplied by Graham Norton. And they are not commandments anymore. They have become the ten acceptable behaviour contract agreements. They have been completely rewritten:
1. Please don't kill anyone, unless they totally diss you, right?
2. If you steal make sure it's not moody gear.
3. Do not take Lady Ga Ga's name in vain-don't diss her.
4. Do not touch your neighbour's arse-even if she is well fit.
5. Show the oldies a bit of respect.
6. Plese don't worship false things. Only repect genuine stuff, right?
7. Remember Black Sabbath, or at least the Osborne's.
8. If your neighbour is married having a sexual relationship with his wife might be wrong. Well.it depends, don't it?
9. If you are married then keep it in them pants when she ain't around. Nuff said.
10. If you have worshipped anyone before Lady Ga Ga then don't keep doing it. One is enough.
The church has said that the behaviour agreements are not 100% enforceable and they do not want to stiffle young people's creativity.
The story of Jesus has also been updated. Now there was no room at the maternity ward due to cut backs by Pontius Gordon. Instead Jesus was born in a guest house in Balham. And he's not called Jesus anymore. Now he is called Wayne. The three wise men have become three transgendered persons with learning difficulties. The shepherds have been replaced by the staff of the local inner city farm. And the choir of angels have been replaced by Susan Boyle.
The church is confident that the new bible will help to popularise the word. Respect to the Pope.