Written by Ed
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Topics: War, Love

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

image for All is Fair in Love and War
Here's comes the missle - it's a cheek seeker!

It has been reported by scientists at the University of Berkley, California, that 'all really is fair in love and war'. The study, part funded by the Pentagon and the Seventh-day Adventist Church of America Ltd, surveyed couples in the West-Texas area, as well as foreign nationals affected by US military actions over the last 30 years.

Their discoveries have amazed fellow scientists, as previous studies had concluded that marriage could be compared to accidentally stepping on a cluster bomb and having your arsehole blown out through your nose. Professor Donny Batminge, author of the report and Chair of the republican think-tank the Centre for Un-non-american National Tautology, said:

"We're amazed. The positive emotional-neurological response produced by traditional marriage is almost identical to that produced by carpet- bombing. Until recently we had been certain that conflict of both kinds had only brought misery and desperation. However, and with the welcome support of the intelligence services and evangelical Christian community, we now have incontrovertible proof that wars and weddings are good for you. The Pentagon once described the dropping of a 'daisy-cutter' bomb as "a significant emotional event for anyone within a mile radius", and this statement has been borne out by the research."

The study, says the university, sends a clear message that both public support of foreign wars and getting to the church on time should be the primary goals of all citizens in free and democratic societies.

There has been some dissent from minority groups over the survey: a black guy working in a McDonalds's drive-thru said the report was "total fucking crap". An English tourist I met in the street commented "although I can't understand exactly what you're saying, my natural distrust of all things foreign leads me to be extremely sceptical, particularly about a Professor with a name like Donny."

Professor Batminge dismissed these comments as "just the sort of bullshit Jew garbage these fucking reds are always peddling. Jeez, if Nixon wasn't pushing up the daisies????please don't quote me."

Next week: How police brutality and pollution can help relieve the stress of daily life.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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