As a campaign to prevent the extradition of "computer geek" Gary McKinnon to the USA gathers pace, it emerges that another 1.2 million British citizens are under investigation by the American authorities.
McKinnon, who suffers from Asparagus Syndrome and hacked into Pentagon defence systems in a bid to prove the existence of alien vegetables, faces up to 60 years' imprisonment in a New Jersey penitentiary. "This is cruel and unusual punishment by any yardstick," said Shami Chakakhanbatti, of Liberty (a famous London department store). "I spent an afternoon in Newark once, and it was hell on earth."
Now the US attorney general is targetting a host of other "misuse of computer" offences, including the viewing of pornography, Islamic forums and any site containing the word 'and'.
One man, John Coal of Merton, has been fighting extradition for two years.
"It's unbelievable," protests Mr. Coal, 65. "I e-mailed my gardener asking him to remove a troublesome bush from the patio area, and they accused me of trying to start a revolution."
Another unfortunate suspect, Charlie Patel, simply mistyped a word into an American search engine.
"I was looking for a repairer for an antique clock belonging to my uncle and put in 'cock' by accident. Loads of pictures of naked, elderly men appeared and the National Security Agency now wants me for 'the abuse of senior citizens'. It's a complete joke but I've been denied legal aid and could be jailed in California for up to 120 years!"
Newly-installed Home Secretary Alan Johnson would only state: "I have asked Lord Mandelson what to do and he made it quite clear that these criminal deviants should all face trial in America. He is now taking a break in Mykonos with his partner Reinaldo and two men he picked up at Sunday's march in London and is not available for further comment."
A spokesman for the NSA in Fort Meade, Maryland, issued a brief communique: "The Internet/World Wide Web is ours. We own it. No goddam limey can fuck around on it and hope to get away with it. You're lucky not to be sent to Guantanamo!"