Nothing much happens in Harlow - its such a nice quiet place. In the town centre you could imagine quite easily that you were in Richmond or Woking. The people all look affluent and well educated. Not an ounce of fat on any of them. Their emaciated bodies enhanced by designer clothes and always ready with a quick smile and pleasant 'Hello' or 'How are you today?'. It makes you feel good to be alive just to walk around such a pleasant town.
Then the peace of the morning was shattered yesterday. A loud trumpeting sound was heard bellowing across the town. "Charlie get the effing hell over here! you little shxt faced fxckxr" was heard across the quiet confines of the shopping centre. Followed by the sound of a hearty slap as the animals trunk connected with the head of a small boy.
People started screaming and running and pushing into each other to get out the animal's way. What a commotion? A very large unemployed smoking mother of six was stomping around the town centre - enraged by the lack of social graces of the poor girl serving in Tesco - had just run amok.
Fortunately she was soon re-captured with the lure of a fresh Marlborough light and a can of cider.
The news of this incident spread quickly and concern spread amongst the others that this could erupt into civil unrest so a special task force of caring social workers were rushed to the scene to administer succour to the poor creature who was just overwhelmed by the attitude of the Tesco checkout girl.
Calm descended once again on Harlow and the incident was not repeated again that day.