Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Wednesday, 20 March 2002

image for Israelibus Introduces Suicide Saver Ticket
There's room for children in the back...

Israeli bus company officials today unveiled their new 'Suicide Saver' ticket that promises significant savings on the cost of a standard return fare. The tickets, which may be purchased on the day of travel at any Hamas explosives outlet, are the latest in a long list of reforms carried out by Israelibus Limited.

"We produced a new time table in which all our buses are shown never arriving at their destinations," said Israelibus spokesman Idan El Tal. "And the journey time between the stops at Gaza and Jerusalem has been amended to six seconds, as the bus is usually airborne between these stops and travelling at some speed."

Commuters were quick to welcome the new initiatives. "It should go down a bomb," said one passenger. "I like the thought of the reduced journey times. If only I could keep my limbs and things whilst travelling then I'd be happy as Larry."

Palestine leader Yasser Arafat was cautiously optimistic at the news. "If it's true, then it will mean we can afford to blow up many more buses. Not that I condone such a thing: not that I'm not doing my best to stop the suicide attacks: not that I'm not putting them in jail for a few hours."

But Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon reacted angrily. "Our response will be measured and proportional," he said. "They blow up a bus, we bomb the shit out of Palestine. Fair's fair."

But the last word belongs to Mr Tal. "We're thinking of offering our regular travellers rewards - air miles. That way, what's left of them can fly back home."

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