The Government is attempting to outlaw religious hatred in the UK by making the Labour Party the country's only legal faith.
Home Secretary David Blunkett announced the plans to a stunned House of Commons, claiming it was the only sensible way to heal the divisions in society that have appeared since the US/UK Coalition's ‘war on terrorism'.
While other parties claim it is merely a ploy to revive Labour's fortunes and ensure another term in office, Mr Blunkett said he was sending a clear message to the British people.
"You are either with the Labour Church or a criminal," he said. "It's that simple. Become a believer or go to jail."
The new Church will be based loosely around the existing Governmental structure and, in a bid to appease all existing religions, will not commit to any higher divine force but will be united behind Prime Minister Tony Blair's self-penned slogan: "My faith, your faith, our faith."
The Labour Church hierarchy, likewise, will be neutral. The most bizarre Cabinet reshuffle ever will see Blair adopt the title ‘Grand Warrior for Truth and Enlightenment'.
Chancellor Gordon Brown becomes ‘Supermintman', Blunkett assumes the title ‘Lord Dragoncatcher & Serpentslayer', Foreign Secretary Jack Straw becomes ‘Emissary of the Force' and Deputy Prime Minister John ‘Heidi Pies' Prescott has chosen ‘The Annihilator' as his preferred title.