Hundreds of ridiculous government scares could be emerging each week by the autumn, Labour spin doctors say. Sir Campbell McUnelectable said the most likely scenario was that the UK would see a surge of scares as the general election approaches.
Over 30 scares have been issued by the Cabinet since the appointment of Gordon Brown as Prime Minister, the main ones being swine 'flu and lots of other silly tales that nobody has been interested in, and the Minister of Scares Sir Henry Viii had this to say about the possible surge.
'Do not be alarmed, simply stay indoors, and eventually the scares will gradually fade away as the Labour government's sorry life ends by the end of the year. Then, of course, there will be a new Prime Minister, and a new Minister of Scares.'
Over the previous few decades government-invented scares have included predicting that hundreds of thousands of people would die of AIDS by the year 2000, bird 'flu and, of course, swine 'flu, the threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, weapons that never existed, death brought on by not eating enough tomatoes, death brought on by eating too many tomatoes, mass murder and anarchy due to trillions of disease-ridden asylum seekers flooding the country, and England threatening to win its first major sporting competition without cheating.
'Make no mistake about it', Sir Henry said, 'without these scares what would Parliament have to debate about? Washington declares our wars for us, Brussels makes up our laws, all we do all day in the Commons is sit about filling in fraudulent expenses claims forms.'
'So we have to invent scare stories to justify our existence. My team are already working on an outbreak of Olympic 'flu, and a declaration of war against the fish of mass destruction of Iceland.'
Shares in Labour Scares Plc (a company formed to divert attention from corrupt, fraudulent MPs and costly, illegal wars in the Middle East) had no takers on the market, while shares in Silence de Toris Ltd remained quiet. Futures in UK Importance continued to fade, but trading in Marginal Expenses'R'Us was suspended until further notice.
Doctors suggested that taking tablets and injections would have no real effect on the scares, and that only stopping buying newspapers and refusing to vote were likely to halt their surge.