For the second time in less than a week, plucky little Great Britain has taken the top spot in a world league.
Following our triumph in the Worst Enemy Of Iran finals we have once again planted the leather in the back of the net.
We are the World's best cocaine users!
The United Nations report emphasises that only 5 percent of 15-16-year-olds have tried the drug, but, the report notes, "Training and publicity is the answer and the British teenager will respond enthusiastically to the cry for greater experimentation with illegal substances".
The UN goes on to comment that street prices are rising whilst the purity of the drug is being reduced by the dealers and states "This is a classic case of Ripoff Britain. You can get the pure article much cheaper in Amsterdam, and the continent is much more accessible what with the Channel Tunnel and EasyJet" You can also buy Duracell batteries at half the price.
Retail drug dealers are severely criticised in the report which is scathing on the poor Customer Service in the sector. The UN recommends that call centres be set up in Colombia, where much cocaine expertise is available.
Also criticised is the performance of the British police and Customs services. "How can these organisations expect the British cocaine user to perform to the best of his or her ability if they prevent the drug from getting into the hands of the dealers and pushers"?
The conference broke up amidst a fit of sneezing as free samples were distributed.