Written by JP Johnston
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Tuesday, 23 June 2009

image for Gordon Brown Pleads Guilty to Rihanna Assault
Gordon "See You Jimmy" Brown

LA, CA - British PM Gordon Brown avoided a jail sentence yesterday by pleading guilty to felony assault of singer Rihanna, in Los Angeles. Police were called to a rented Toyota Corolla after screams were heard, and the shamefaced PM was taken into police custody. "I never touched the bitch. She did it to herself," he is reported as claiming.

Rihanna explained in court that the politician had a "wicked temper" and when she found a message from a former PM on his phone asking for a private enquiry Brown lashed out. "I'm going to beat you bad, bitch, when we reach my second home for which I have made no improper expenses claims." He then repeatedly struck the singer.

Brown has a history of violence. In 2003 he was involved in a serious assault on Basra, Iraq, but was never charged. He also attacked Afghanistan, and has made serious threats against North Korea.

"Get the f*** away from me. I'll kick yer pus, ye wee shite," he said when asked for a statement, yesterday. Brown has been sentenced to community service for a change, and warned to stay away from the electorate for as long as possible.

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