Following British political parties' and Parliamentary committees' successful and ruthless investigation and punishment of many of their MPs for defrauding taxpayers, and for lying and cheating and stealing, it was announced today that Parliament would hold a second set of Nuremberg trials, and they started today.
First in the dock was Hermann Goring, Luftwaffe chief, Gestapo boss, and slave labour and Holocaust supervisor. 'Mr Goring', the prosecution lawyer David Cameron QC addressed that Nazi, 'I put it to you that you helped organise mass theft, murder and fraud for six years, and that there are many witnesses to this.'
'I was breaking no rules', Goring replied, 'seeing as we made up the rules as we went along.' 'Yes, but the spirit of being an elected politician is to only claim for basic expenses needed for your job', Cameron pointed out. 'A crate of Botticelli paintings and a pound of caviar every day WAS essential for my job, you can't imagine the stress of having to listen to Hitler's verbal diarrhoea all the time!'
'And how were the entire Black Forest, two castles, and two thousand iffy uniforms legitimate expenses for being a deputy of the Reichstag?' 'Well, the forest was for my constituents to dispose of their rubbish, you know, like any neighbours they wanted to get rid of, and the castles were to store my uniforms in', and Goring's trial was over and it was time for sentencing, as of course all the defendants were guilty before the trials even started.
'Mr Goring', the judge summed up, 'you have been found guilty of making fraudulent expenses claims, of stealing millions from many countries, and of lying under oath. I hereby sentence you to the most severe sentence this court can give in such a case - you will continue as a Reichstag deputy til the next election on full pay, and then will be given a peerage and go to the House of Lords. Next case!', and Goring left the courtroom, muttering to himself about trees and ducks and horse manure.
And the next case was the notorious female Nazi gauleiter Josephina Blearies, nicknamed 'the poison dwarf' by other Party members. 'Miss Blearies', David Cameron said to her, 'you stand in the dock accused of crimes against basic self-respect, crimes that would be called theft, fraud and downright petty pilfering in any other part of this country. How do you plead?'
'Well, tha knaws, when I were young girl oop North, weren't all limousines and dinners at t'Ritz, we 'ad it tough, aye, reet tough. Life were a constant struggle against landlords and debt collectors, we barely had enoof to eat and drink, and -'
and she bit into an onion butty before continuing - 'my oopbringing were a tragic throwback to the Victorian era, were no bloody woonder I 'ad to 'ave occasional night out in London on taxpayers' bish bosh, made oop for all me 'ardship and poverty, and I think court will agree with me when I say - I am more a victim than a a villain, I rest me case!',
and the jury and spectators burst into spontaneous applause at this, and Judge Emma Thomson said 'Case dismissed, by gum!', and soon Miss Blearies was having a celebratory drink with Hermann Goring, in the nearby Goosestep and Midget bar.
'Well done, Josephina', the Nazi air supremo said to the tiny gauleiter, 'you see, once again British justice has prevailed, and the two of us have got off scot free. And of course there's hundreds more National Socialists ready to take our place, even if we had been gaoled or worse. Just shows you, it's not what you know, it's who you bribe.'
'You're right, Hermann', Miss Blearies said, 'why, with these Parliamentary committee and party investigations being so feeble and token, we have founded an empire of sleaze and corruption that will last a thousand years!'
'If only Adolf was here to see such large scale theft across Britain and Europe', Goring said, 'not even he could have devised the European Parliament, where hundreds of fascists print their own money for no reason except that they feel like it.' 'Ah well', said Josephina, 'at least we still have Parliament, the next best thing.' 'True.'
'Isn't that Rudolf Hess over there in the corner, talking to Heinrich Himmler?' 'No, it's Morrissey, having a drink with Sir Gerald Kaufman.' 'OK.' 'OK.'