Written by JP Johnston
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Sunday, 21 June 2009

image for Record Numbers Of Scum Gather At Stonehenge for Solstice
Stonehenge: Dirty Hippy Magnet

Stonehenge, England - A record number of hairy, Celtic-tattooed, pierce-faced, dreadlocked new-age idiots with skinny dogs on strings gathered at Stonehenge for the summer solstice this year. Roads were gridlocked with rusty transit vans, and the smell of body odour and pachouli oil "rose like steam from the crowd" according to local witnesses. The rabble was estimated at 36,500.

Police limited revellers to four cans of beer or a bottle of wine, a quarter of an ounce of hash or grass, a gram of speed, two tabs of LSD, eighteen ecstasy tablets (since they're not so strong these days), one mogadon, four valium pills, one hundred magic mushrooms, and one packet of cheap tobacco. "That should do them," said Assistant Chief Constable Nigel Smith, "We don't want them losing their minds and running amok. Of course we do have tear gas, water cannons, machine gun nests and mobile gas chambers in case of trouble."

Self-styled druid Dave Mystic led the pointless incantations and silly prancing about. "It is a magical time of year. It is the culmination and confluence of the energy of the world…" etc etc.

"We know nothing about the Druids or their ceremonies," said Professor Lionel Pedagogue of Wiltshire University. "These stupid hippies have made all this rubbish up. I think the Druids of pre-Roman times would hate them, and throw stones at them. I would. I mean, we don't even know what the stone circles are for, or whether midsummer was of any significance to prehistoric Britons, but here are these arseholes who think they know better. Crucifixion's too good for them."

After the sun rose the police ordered the crowd to disperse over loudhailers. "Go away. Get jobs. Clean yourselves up and start pulling your weight in society. Things are bad enough with the recession without you lot freeloading and stealing vegetables. Go on, get out of it. You've got ten minutes or we come in with the dogs."

A larger gathering is expected next year. "We'll be ready," said Nigel Smith, "And waiting. Peace and love my arse."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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