Norfolk, England - Bernard Matthews appeared before magistrates this afternoon after he was arrested at his Norfolk home in a dawn raid by Police and RSPCA officers. It follows an investigation lasting several years into the origin of "Bernard Matthews' Turkey Ham", a low-fat ham substitute made from Turkey.
He pled guilty to eight hundred and ninety two specimen charges of unlawful sex with animals, after it was revealed he had been interfering with poultry on his famous Norfolk turkey farms.
In court, despite being asked repeatedly to keep his remarks to "guilty or not guilty" Mr Matthews said, "You don't understand. It's bootiful. Bootiful. And how did you think we got turkey to taste like ham? T'aint nacheral, but it's bootiful."
A spokesman for the RSPCA said, "We are glad Mr Matthews has finally been apprehended. We don't understand how anyone could... treat a turkey this way. Perhaps the occasional gobble, but not this."