Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed his strategy for taking the United Kingdom forward into a new age of prosperity and good fortune.
Pointing to recent election results for the European Parliament and English local government, he points out that those elected are mediocre at best and probably Conservative at worst.
He goes on that explain that, if elections had not been held, the off-the-plot parties such as the BNP, UKIP and the Liberal Democrats, could not have won seats.
The dramatic protests and harrowing violence seen as a result of Iran's democratic process could also so easily have been avoided by not holding an election.
"After all", says Mr Brown, "I am clinging to power with no mandate from the people. I was not elected in the first place and I will continue to avoid going to the country for as long as I have breath in my body".
Elections cost money he goes on to explain, and what with all the extra administrative costs of accounting for MP's paid back expenses, he cannot see his way clear to calling an election.
Mr Brown then disclosed that he is backing Cilla Black's bid to be the next Speaker of the House of Commons. This somewhat surprising development is in line with Mr Brown's objective of filling all future parliamentary vacancies by appointing chosen individuals. This process, formerly only practised by absolute monarchs and dictators will obviate the need for any further elections and therefore any risk to the democratic process.
Mr Brown closed the interview by explaining that signs held up by demonstrators outside No 10 this morning had inspired him to continue as PM. "It was a rather Americanised expression" he explains, "but to see 120 placards bearing the message "GO GORDON" brought a lump to my throat".