Written by Michael Simmonite
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Topics: Spy, Greece

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

A group of Greek holidaymakers are been held in Britain indefinitely whilst a decision is being made as to whether they should be formally charged with spying.

The twelve-strong group, disguised as two families, first aroused suspicions when they were spotted on Blackpool beach by ice-cream vendor, Bill Twiggle. "I didn't think much about it at first," he told us.

"Then, just as I passed a Cornetto to one of the children, I noticed one of the men was looking out to sea through a pair of binoculars. There were boats out there, dammit! And a plane advertising Dorothy's Chippie!

"One of the other men, unbelievably, was kneeling on the ground building a model of a fortress out of sand. A young girl openly played with a replica gun and was squirting water at him. She must have been about six!

"I couldn't believe my eyes. They were clearly planning a very detailed strategy. One of the other women in the group was even teaching one of the children how to dig tunnels!"

Bill, 79 - sensing an imminent invasion - fled the beach and immediately alerted the police.

Thankfully they were just in time. Inspector Dribble from the Northern Spy-Squad takes up the story

"As we arrived on the scene one of the women was trying to knock out our radar defence system - she was flying a diamond-shaped piece of cloth high in the air on the end of a piece of string!

"I ordered her to stop immediately, which she did. I then remarked about the cold weather, just to try and lighten the situation, when one of the men stood up and said in broken English: 'It is indeed too remarkably cold for the time of year in Athens.' That was it. I arrested them on the spot.

"They were then imprisoned, clapped in irons and put on a diet of bread and water."

It is thought the top-secret trip could have been planned years ago. Further investigation uncovered a spy-network, which is a major security threat for the entire nation.

Small establishments on our street corners posing as kebab shops are, it seems, the hub of the spy-ring. They only operate late at night and into the small hours when the customers are so inebriated that they don't realise what's going on.

The spicy sandwiches are laced with a special kind of 'memory erasing' chilli sauce. The unlucky customers are then interrogated and released after passing on vital information.

"This explains why no-one can remember eating one the following day," Inspector Dribble explained.

Tony Blair vowed to act swiftly. "We will stand shoulder to shoulder with ourselves on this and won't rest until these people - and the companies that harbour them - are brought to justice.

"Rest assured, we will smoke them out of their holes."

Mr Blair, himself a lover of spicy food, added: "Come to think of it, I went out for a few beers after work last night: but do you know, I can't remember for the life of me what I had for supper on the way in!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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