Written by JP Johnston
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Topics: Iraq

Monday, 15 June 2009

image for Damaging Statements "Banned" From Iraq Enquiry
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London - The long awaited inquiry into the British involvement in the conflict in Iraq is to begin. Prime Minister Gordon Brown made the announcement today during a visit to a meat processing plant in Northern England.

He is due to announce the limits of the private inquiry later today, but a leak from a top Downing Street official suggests there will be several phrases and statements that will not be permitted during the proceedings or the final report, to prevent potential embarrassment "should there be any leaks."

Banned statements are said to include, "America told us to," "Hey…if we bomb them we could have their oil for free," "Our forces boys are getting a bit soft and a good war would toughen them up," or "These depleted uranium shells are going to be out of date if we don't use them up, and that would be a shame because they're not cheap."

The source also hinted that should any blame be placed on the government participants were instructed to say, "Tony made Gordon do it. It's all Tony's fault."

Civil Servants and Ministers were reportedly instructed that, "There is to be absolutely no mention that the world's oil is running out and that the Russians have got loads and will be all over us if we don't go and get some from some bunch of Rag-Heads somewhere."

179 British Forces and MOD civilians died in Britain's involvement in the conflict, and up to 150 000 Iraqis perished in the invasion and its aftermath. Mr Brown denied strongly that himself and then PM Tony Blair should stand trial for "Waging aggressive war" and "Crimes against humanity" among other war crimes should the enquiry show evidence of this. He told your intrepid reporter to, "F*** off. Go on, get out of it ye wee bastard, unless you want to take your holidays in Cuba."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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