Written by Spandavia
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Topics: Banks, Scotland

Monday, 15 June 2009

Following on from a BBC expose and a Westminster Debate, bankers are leaving their jobs on mass and applying for a job at a well known Scottish ex Bank. There are reports of queues outside the Edinburgh Head Office as over 1000 bankers apply for a job in the Banks High Risk department.

Our reporter in Scotland asked some of the bankers in the queue exactly why they were so keen to transfer. One banker, Jim Malarky said, "I feel this is the ideal place for me. I'm particularly interested in the bonuses of prostitutes and trips abroad with spending money included for gambling. Most other banks are so boring by comparison, they just bung their executives a few million and say get on with it. But this bank does it in style, yachts, private jets, birthday bashes in private nightclubs - it's what I call progressive banking."

Asked if Mr Malarky would still be expecting cash bonuses on top of these extras, he replied that he had it on good authority one could expect brown envelopes or even briefcases of cash from the customers. "It's more honest this way" he explained, "personally I feel we've fleeced the tax payer enough. I feel its much more ethical if our individual customers with their small businesses give a direct kick back for our services. Some of them are covered by Government guarantees via the SFLG scheme so who gives a fuck, they won't lose out."

When asked to comment on this, a spokesman for the bank said "we cannot comment on individual cases but we believe we are always fair and reasonable to our customers and....." then he threw up all over our reporter and the microphone as several hundred puke covered locusts came flying out of his mouth.

A spokesman from the FSA said, "this is exactly the kind of behaviour we are trying to eliminate in the financial sector but, as you can see, it is very popular with the bankers themselves. We do not want to be seen as biased towards either the banks or the public so we haven't come to any formal decision about whether bankers should pay for their own sexual exploits or their gambling habits. After all Rome wasn't made in a day."

A senior executive from Wellies the pharmacists said " we're terribly excited that Mr Pornby is the new boss here. We expect he will broaden the Company's horizon and change the whole face of high street chemists."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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