Written by Blazing Saddle
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Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Oxford and Harvard educated David Millipede has perfected street-cred speech mannerisms that stand comparison with Tony Bliar at his coolest.

Speaking yesterday on the Today programme, Mr Millipede demonstrated near-perfect use of the glottal stop and astonished listeners with his command of the dropped "H".

Analysing his performance, Professor Sir Troy Woolden-Hammper - who holds a visiting chair in forensic speech analysis at Croydon University - stated that Mr Millipede only needed to shorten his vowels to become indistinguishable in speech from most chavs.

When Mr Millipede was asked to comment, he goes "Ain't go' time so 'ave a break un do one".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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