The Britney Spears' circus pulled into London today and the freaks piled out of the clown car like investors escaping General Motors. The anxious crowd waited patiently for Spears to exit and were not disappointed as she finally climbed out crotch first, her hairless coochie flying the Union Jack. "Hey, nice flag holder!" someone from the crowd screamed as she waved the banner a few more times before expelling it high into the air in a graceful arc.
Promising to make her tour a "show London would never forget", Britney dodged questions about the specifics of her act and how it could possibly top Amy Winehouse in the category of "Weirdest Freaking Concert I've Ever Been To". "Frankly, she's got her work cut out for her," said one entertainment reporter who declined to be identified. "I mean, last year when Winehouse stopped in the middle of her song and crapped a live octopus right on stage, the bar got blown clear off the bizarro scale."
Spears' Circus Tour has already received mixed reports in the States for its pretentious overproduction coupled with mediocre performances by Britney and her snatch, which appeared to be lip-synching. Spears' agent and rumored boyfriend Jason Trawick denied the lip-synching allegations, calling the incident, "an equipment malfunction." Apparently, the rather large microphone became lodged in the middle of their duet, preventing her vagina from properly enunciating anything except the "Oooo" sound. "It sang well on Ooh, Ooh, Baby, but it thoroughly blew the solo on Toxic", Jason explained.
Britney has hired naked acrobats and local skanks to spice up her after-show parties. "It's gonna be wacked!" said a source close to the singer, reading from a press release. "People are going to be talking about these parties for years. There's going to be drugs, head-shaving, crotch-flashing, rehab, people getting their kids taken away and mediocre backup dancers getting jiggy with low IQ pop stars...wait...this is her bio. Sorry..."
But, there are indications that the after-parties are planned to be explicit exhibitions of unrestrained, kinky sex. Then food will be served, followed by a live, drunken performance by Britney and her new beau. However, Trawick won't be the only hot-rod driving up Britney's country road like the Dukes of Hazard. Rap artist Eminem is expected to make a special appearance in her vagina and even Sacha Baron Cohen is expected to "drop in".
In an effort to make the biggest show of the summer more "child friendly", the Circus Tour has spared no expense in bringing cutting edge animatronics to the stage. "People forget Britney's a mother of two....a completely retarded mother of two...," a spokeman for the tour trailed off. Though not entirely without glitches, the spokesman insists that they've worked out most of kinks. "We eliminated a few of the special effects because they just didn't work for all audiences. Seriously, we thought a Porky the Pig puppet popping out of her Hoo Hoo and saying, 'T-t-t-that's all folks!' at the end of the show was pure class...but apparently it just scares the children."