London - (Frumpy Ass Mess): Hoax monarchy addict Queen Elizabeth II is under round-the-clock medical surveillance after losing a £1 million bet on her daughter Susan Boyle winning the Britain's Mein Gott! Talent contest this weekend.
News of the disastrous wager was revealed when the House of Commons Public Accounts Committee found a gaping black hole in Buckingham Palace accounts.
A subsequent whitewash was also discovered showing decades of reckless gambling covered up by constant moving of the decimal point in all Royal Household double-your-money double-entry book keeping.
"For years the Tories blamed it on the doddery old Queen Mother," a senior backbencher source commented today, "and all the while it was out very own Mrs Joseph Ratzinger who was on the fiddle!"
Margaret Thatcher also had a bastard with Papa Ratzi. he became Lord Levy, famous intrepid Iraqi WMD sleuth and top military intelligence strategist for North korea's Kim Jong Very Ill Indeed.