Conservative MP Chris Fraser is to quit to care for a tree in his garden, after the Daily Telegraph said he had claimed £180K to buy more than 200 wives on the internet.
Like every single MP that is standing down after the expenses scandals, he said his decision to leave Parliament had nothing to do with expenses, but was just 'an another incredible coincidence'.
'I've been considering my position for some time', the MP said, from his 200-acre garden, 'and all of my wives - paid for by the taxpayer - have agreed that staying at my second home to water the tree, and to make sure no birds are nesting in it, or that children sneak into the garden to carve their initials on it, is more important than buying another few wives. I have broken no rules, not surprisingly since I was on the committee that decided those rules.'
Some have wondered if 200 wives are really essential to an MP, and if the public should pay for them, but Mr Fraser said: 'You try looking after a harem like that, it's not all fun and games, I tell you! A day trip with them to Harrods is a nightmare, even if all the purchases are on government expenses.'
'Last week three of my wives were arrested for shoplifting there, and another one was asked to leave the building after putting lipstick on to the waxwork of Mohammed Al-Fayed. That's why I like to return to my beloved tree, so I can unwind before getting on with my constituency work. Whatever that is.'
Tory leader David Cameron said he 'respected Mr Fraser's decision, and wasn't relieved he was quitting, not at all, and hoped that his tree, that had a bit of bark rot last Tuesday, will respond to a bit of treehugging.'
And Mr Fraser added: 'I'm the eighth Conservative that won't be defending their seat at the next election, despite doing nothing wrong and breaking no rules. And until then I'll be earning plenty of money and claiming more expenses - because I won't be breaking any rules, or doing anything wrong. I'm sure all jobs in Britain have the same expenses system, and employees keep their jobs despite claiming for private forests and houses for their relations. I certainly have.'
The tree, a 340-year old oak, had nothing to say, but off the record suggested that 'if humans were paid in proportion to their usefulness in this world, MPs wouldn't get a single penny, never mind luxurious expenses'.