WEST LOTHIAN, U.K. - Hatstand Celebrity Psycho Ward of West Lothian gained another inmate last night. After locking herself in a room with electric hair trimmers, Susan Boyle has been taken into custody and placed on a minimum 72-hour lockdown.
All the world's eyes have turned to Boyle's increasingly erratic behavior of late. Most agree it began when she led cops on a low-speed oxcart chase through the West Lothian area several weeks ago. She, the cops, and supposed cohort Simon Cowell were trailed by a legion of paparazzi hoping for another chance to capture her private parts on film that, sadly, never materialized.
Boyle caused quite a buzz in the tabloids again earlier this week when, while on break from a magazine shoot, she wiped haggis(1) drippings off her face and hands with a $9,000 designer dress, and spilled a pint of oatmeal stout on another costing $6,000. Worse still, she reportedly left the set with several thousand dollars worth of clean clothing and jewelry she was wearing that were not hers, as well as about a dozen rolls of toilet paper pilfered from the studio bathroom.
Friends say they called the police last night after Boyle locked herself in a room with electric hair trimmers, threatening to remove her locks only days before the "Britain's Got Talent" finale.
"She been really tormented lately, that's for sure," said one friend, her eyes beginning to tear. "The pressures of instant fame have really caught up with her, in a big way. I feel just awful because we've all been acting like there was nothing wrong when we all knew there was."
When the cops finally managed to gain access to the barricaded room, they roughed up Boyle just a bit because... well, just because(2), then shackled her to a gurney "for her own protection."
When she arrived at the hospital, doctors noted she "appeared to be under the influence of some unknown substance." Not finding any drug residuals in her system, and deducing that the effects were not entirely caused by the arresting officers' overzealousness, they believe Boyle has quite simply cracked under the stress of going from being virtually unknown to being almost as popular as God in about two days flat.
News of Boyle's arrest prompted neighbors to attempt to gain custody of Boyle's ox, which they say has been "ill cared for" ever since Boyle began cavorting about like a damned fool.
(1) Haggis is a traditional Scottish dish prepared using what remains of a sheep's innards after the rest is used to make bagpipes. Finely chop up everything but the stomach, boil it, mix it with toasted oatmeal, stuff it in the stomach, tie closed and boil for another 3 hours. Enjoy!
(2) This joke was written by an American, and may not make sense in the UK, where I've heard the cops are rather pleasant indeed unless, I assume, they don't get their tea.