Written by Wire Piddle
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Friday, 29 May 2009

image for Julie Andrews Offers Susan Boyle Free Swearing Lessons
It's a dictionary, twit.

GSTAAD, Switzerland - Famed songstress, Julie Andrews has offered to give Susan Boyle free lessons in swearing.

"Contrary to popular public opinion, including some publicity seeking psychologists, Susan Boyle is not having a breakdown. She is merely developing a side of her personality that, to a great extent, has not been exercised," Ms. Andrews stated.

"Along with developing one's music skills, one must also, in this business, be able to swear like a sailor. It comes with the territory. Luckily Susan seems to be a natural at both singing and swearing."

"I, for one, have been in this business for longer than I can remember and, trust me, a well-developed vocabulary of colourful invectives comes in very handy, not only as a way of alleviating stress, but being able to handle the next journalist prick who would like to get in your face, so sod off you stupid, cloying git before I press your Tommy Rollicks with my panini maker."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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