Written by Rodd Justice
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Wednesday, 20 March 2002

image for Thatcher's Gob Dead!
RIP, your mouthy highness

Margaret Thatcher pretty much died this week, now that she's unable to spook politicians with her outspoken brain-thoughts.

TheSpoof.com takes a look back at her mouth's life?

1959 - Elected as Member of Parliament for the first time. A youthful mouth, it shows early promise, the highlight being telling a mugger where he can stick her handbag.

1960 - As Secretary of State for the Beatles, her mouth bites off the pinky fingers of each member of the Dave Clark Five. "There is no such thing as a beat combo: the Dave Clark Five is a collection of individuals, all of which subordinate to Dave Clark himself," was one of her most controversial speeches in office.

1968 - Mrs T's mouth designs the "maxi" dress, an idea later nicked by London's fashion scene.

1973 - Thatcher gets the nickname "Milk Snatcher" after her mouth eats all the cows.

1975 - Thatcher, using her mouth, becomes leader of the Conservative Party. Although she faces an early struggle for acceptance in a male dominated political world. Traditionally, female mouths were only used for the rearing of young children and wearing of lipsticks.

1979 - Conservatives win the election, making Maggie PM. "Where there is discord may we bring harmony, where there is here may we bring there, where there is chanson may we bring d'amour, where there is Ronnie and Reggie may we bring Mad Frankie" is said by her mouth on the steps of Number Ten.

1980 - Greatest ever speech, where her mouth says, "But for those of you waiting with bated breath for the favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only one thing to say ~ U-turn if you want to, the Lady's not for Turning any U's, U st-U-pid people, why U should U-se U-r head more U-ften."

Immediately, she realised her mouth has got her into trouble, when she takes a wrong turning in Lambeth, and can't get out of the dead end street.

1980 - IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands takes on Mrs Thatcher. A sympathetic Thatcher says, "stick that Irish monkey in a room full of potatoes - trust me, his mouth will water, he will want to eat."

1982 - Fed only on a diet of penguins and polar bears, Thatcher leads the British Army to victory in the Falklands. "She's a mouthy dame" says Royal Navy skipper (although Thatcher's iron mouth means ships show up easily on enemy Radar).

1984 - IRA put a bomb in Thatcher's curry at the Brighton Conservative conference, detonating in her mouth, and vigorously vibrating her chops. She farts for 6 days, but otherwise continues as normal.

1985 - Thatcher defeats Scargill's miners. By pre-empting the strike, she has time to prepare the country, storing a whole winter's supply of coal in her cheeks.

1990 - Ousted by Michael Heseltine's hair and booming vocals in a party leadership challenge. "We are now leaving Downing Street for the last time, but I do hope to take up the appropriate Royal residence as soon as possible."

1997 - Thatcher's gob is a real blast at the Alzheimer's Comic Showcase, when she plays the stooge as part of Ronald Reagan's show-stopping goofiness.

2001 - Mouth dribbles on Hague's head, ruining his election chances.

2002 - Mouth dies of stroke, Thatcher forced to retire, but is dead as far as everyone's concerned. Media give public sneak previews of her obituary. Neck-and-neck in death race with Queen Mum (gawd bless ah).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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