Ballybollox Castle, Scotland - (Fascist Ass Mess): Spurned and barred by Buckingham Palace garden party organisers from rubbing himself up against his fascist hoax monarchy relations BNP leader Nick Griffin has instead been offered a 'dirty' weekend away at Balmoral Castle.
The proposed freebie is scheduled to take place in the middle of January 2010 when the Scottish royal residence is partially boarded up for the long winter months.
Although some of the Castle's services will be available - like cold running water and a 12-volt car battery for powering up the odd light bulb - the estate itself will remain mothballed as usual until the outdoor temperature hits at least 10 degrees centigrade, ie. at the beginning of August.
The invitation to Griffin "plus One Lady Friend" includes overnight tickets on the London milk train - a service whose 36 hour journey guarantees passengers as well as freight arrive pretty much 'curdled'.
Boris Johnson is daft as a brush.