Jade Goody is still dead it has been revealed. Some fans were hoping for a resurrection in time for the summer bestsellers list but so far there have been no sightings.
Her PR man Max Clifford said: "There is a big Goode shaped hole in all our hearts... but here to fill it is her replacement...who I'm sure the public will love just as much...Jade Goode II."
He then removed his left hand from his pocket upon which there was a grey sock with button eyes and a crude hand stitched bikini made from a crisp packet.
"Say hello new Jade," said Max.
"Gello goys and girls...I'm the gnew Gade. I love geach and gevery gone of gew. Give me a gig sloppy giss."
Mr Clifford was then escorted off the premises by burly men in white coats.
As the ambulance sped away he waved his gloved hand out the window to the assembled press.
His wife said he'd been feeling the pinch since the demises of Jade Goody whom he had affectionately nicknamed his 'cash cow.'
"I'm sure he'll be back to his old tricks in no time." She added.