Labour government millionaires had to abandon a day's expenses fiddling this afternoon, as a devastating strain of 'flu 'flu broke out in the Dorset village of Lower Henchcoat.
Mrs. Agnes Z. Papier-Mache, 87, was the first to go under with the virus. 'For week's I'd been quite happy with my swine 'flu and bird 'flu to keep me company', she said, 'then without warning my 'flus were attacked by 'flu 'flu! I dialled 999, which was engaged, so then I dialled Labour Party headquarters, and within ten minutes they rushed out a whole lorryload of expensive leaflets to help me.'
The leaflets, quickly published by the Department of Trivial Scaremongering, have titles like 'Breathe and Live', and 'Don't Stand in Front Of Speeding Cars', plus, of course, 'If You Need To Sneeze, Vote Labour'.
'I needed to sneeze', Mrs. Papier-Mache said, 'so now I'm going to vote Labour. Only they could have sent me so many leaflets at such great cost to comfort and help me, as this dreadful 'flu 'flu epipandemical epipandemic strikes terror into the hearts of every man, woman and child, and pig and budgerigar, in this septic isle.'
'And another thing -' But tragically Mrs. Papier-Mache then died of yet another virus sweeping across the United Kingdom, bullshitis labouriae, spread by picking up newspapers or watching BBC News 24.