Written by Dr Scotty Madoc
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Topics: swine flu, Cardboard

Friday, 22 May 2009

image for 'Swine Flu As Dangerous As Cardboard' Says Top Scientist
An actual swine flu germ magnified slightly

A top scientist last night told government medical advisors that swine flu is still prevalent in the UK and that ordinary citizens are all at risk before adding 'but it's about as dangerous as cardboard.'

'Daily Mail' journalist Stanley Blackbottom then asked the top scientist "but it has the word swine in the name and swine are perceived as filthy, diseased beasts of the field. Isn't that headline grabbing material?"

"No" replied the top scientist (who also wears glasses. Thick bottle-top glasses.) "As I just said it's about as dangerous as cardboard. There's no need to get people all worked up."

'Daily Express' journalist Clare Fitzgibbon then added. "But where's the fun in that? It has no story to it at all!"

"Yes." Replied the top scientist. (Who wore a long white lab coat throughout the press conference.) "Please listen to me. Imagine a pile of grass cuttings, imagine I had those grass cuttings and glued them to a helium balloon and put a pink bobble hat on it and released the balloon in the dark, over Antarctica… even that would be scarier then swine flu!"

The collected journalist muttered and there was a bitter silence before it was broken by Ronald Dancer, the political editor of 'Big Tits Weekly' Magazine who said: "Yes…OK… but its still called Swine Flu and its still going around and anyone can catch it, right?"

"Yes." Replied the top scientist (who collects molecules for a hobby and loves maths, I mean really loves it.) "Yes, that is still true."

The journalists collectively let out a sustained sigh of relief.

"Well that's alright then!" Said Michael DailyStar from the Daily Star.

"Yes, there will still be news tomorrow-huzzah!" Replied Stanley Blackbottom before ejaculating wildly over his press pack like a fizzing garden sprinkler.

The top scientist was seen to wipe away a single tear.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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