The row over MPs expenses has taken a new turn as the Daily Telegraph revealed in this morning's edition that Tory MP John Thomas claimed £10,000 for the cost of a penis enlargement operation. Westminster staff apparently "chopped the claim down to £5,000" on the ground that he "didn't need such a large allowance".
The MP for Little Horwood, who has, since the surgery, campaigned for his constituency to be renamed Big Horwood, said that he didn't know what all the fuss was about, telling a reporter:
"I am an upstanding member. As faw as I am concewned, I have acted within the wools. I use my Snakey Joe evewy day in my Westminstew office."
Labour MP Stephen Pound, who likes to go on the telly a lot, said that this proved that Mr. Thomas was "a bigger dick than we thought".
After consulting with Tory Leader David Cameron, Mr. Thomas announced that he would "give it back" but refused to pay any Capital Gains Tax on the transaction.
"My wuv wand is my own pwopety", he said. "The tax man can't put his gwubby hands on it."
The Chairman of the House of Commons Committee on Standards announced that he would be conducting a probe into the MP's claim, saying "We have received a complaint about a member. We will now look at this from every angle. If any rules have been broken, we will recommend a stiff admonishment."