Written by Seamus Nottrew
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Topics: Gorillas

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

image for Calls For Inquiry After Rogue Gorilla Placed With Family
The gorilla, who can't be named for legal reasons

Calls for an independent inquiry have been made into the placement of a rogue gorilla who assaulted the children of the family he went to live with.

Via sign language, the 350lb silverback admitted attacking and injuring two young children and damaging property while on a placement scheme for primates run by Vale of Glamorgan council. He will appear in court next month.

An urgent investigation is under way by the council which has admitted a "serious error of judgment". Three workers have been suspended while more disciplinary action will follow and others will receive extra training.

Councillor Dai Jest said he was appalled that information concerning the gorilla's violent background had not been passed on to the placement team. "An open inquiry is the only way we can prevent any further monkey business" he said.

The whole placement scheme is now under review. The preferred option is to send the apes back to the wilds of Africa, but they would be at risk from poachers and would face certain death, so the UK cannot deport them because it would breach their 98%-DNA-of-human rights. The alternatives are either to confine them to zoos, or attempt to find them work in advertising.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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