In a major shock today, one Labour MP was forced to resign after admitting that he hadn't fiddled his expenses claims. The MP for Sunderland North by North-West, Sir Reginald Lea-Perrins, said:
'I admit I simply couldn't go on, having to face up to being honest every day. And the strain of not stealing money from the taxpayer became too much, so I felt I had to resign. I hope my constituents will understand why I kept on not helping myself to every penny I could lay my hands on, like most normal Labour MPs do.'
Minister of Half Inching, Shahid Malik, refused to comment on an internal Party affair, but Conservative leader Blandy Boringham said: 'Um, well, you know, this is a bit thick, don'tchaknow, and all that sort of rot. I mean, really! What will they be saying at the WRVS bingo night, where I'm due tomorrow to do my Tony Blair impersonation, only without all those, er, long pauses.'
'What a nice young man', said one passing WRVS lady. 'What a creep', said another.
It has become a Labour Party tradition for its MPs to thieve everything that isn't nailed down, and every time they elect a new leader the Queen makes sure that she's counted all her silver spoons before inviting him round for tea.
'Well', she said, 'we don't want any little embarrassing accidents, do we? Like when Tony tried to pinch our fish slice, and we still reckon that Harold Wilson had it away with Margaret's christening spoon. As for that insufferable Jock Brown, only if it was a choice between him or Margaret Thatcher would we let the slimy git into the Palace, and even then we'd 'accidentally' let loose the corgis on him when he wasn't expecting it!'
'At least the others had a certain roguish charm, even if they were all pretty good tea leafs, Brown is like some sort of ghastly Wee Free minister, trying to pretend he's really nice and friendly at weddings and probably funerals too. Enough to make us puke!'
Sir Reginald himself leaves a majority of one, so it is widely expected that Liverpool Party members will coincidentally suddenly move house in their thousands this week, to ensure that another Labour MP is returned in Sunderland North by North-West.
Candidates being considered to stand in the by-election include Ronnie Biggs, Ned Kelly, Robert Maxwell, and of course 'New' Labour supporter Noel Gallagher, an expert in stealing songs from The Beatles.