At approximately 15:03 hours BST, an unknown person dropped what can only be described as the world's most pungent fart in London's bustling West End. It is thought that the fart was released between Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square, before encroaching upon a wide area of the nation's capital.
As the seriousness of the malodorous event became clear, a state of emergency was hastily declared. Casualties soon began to mount. People collapsed at the epicentre, and several policemen were knocked off their feet by the secondary blast.
As the fart spread its toxic wings over the stricken city, glasses of foaming beer went instantly flat, wallpaper peeled off walls in strips, birds plummeted from the sky, traffic mounted the pavements, windows buckled, milk turned sour and several buildings had to be evacuated.
Transport was greatly affected, Underground services between Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Tottenham Court Road, Charing Cross and Covent Garden were suspended, roadblocks were set up around the M25, and all air traffic was diverted.
A Metropolitan Police spokesman appealed for the phantom farter to give him/herself up to the health authorities for treatment.
The French government are bracing themselves for the possibility that the fart will move on to France through the Channel Tunnel.
Inky Pinky Parlez Vous.