Following the Daily Telegraph expenses revelation concerning MP's claims for hideously large amounts of renovation work to their properties, a Downing Street spokesperson has issued a statement.
The statement reads: "The government is alarmed at the unreasonable amount of noise their MP's have to endure whilst having their homes extended and renovated at tax payers expense. Stillsaws and hammer drills are causing distress and deafness, we have therefore decided to sue every tax payer in the United Kingdom for facilitating this noise and consequently we shall be paying our honourable members 1 million pounds each in compensation"!
Reporters in the House of Commons have noticed for some time increasing levels of deafness among MP's is not only relative to the amount of builders dust on their shoulders and in their hair, but, can also be measured against the size of their second home allowance claims.
Defending second homes allowances, John Prescott told me "you journo's have no idea what it's like to have to live in a house full of kitchen fitters and brickies, our second homes get so noisy we honestly feel we should be allowed to buy a third home fully paid for by the tax payers until all this noise has gone away!"
Phil Woollas also explained on Radio 4's 'Today Program' that the Daily Telegraph had completely misinterpreted his purchase of tampons, claiming he only intended to put them in his ears whilst having to oversee expensive renovation work to his wife's Fabergé Egg which, was an essential item for carrying out his parliamentary duties.
He was last seen outside BBC Broadcasting House kicking a passing dog up the arse.
This reporter kept his expenses to a minimum whilst writing this article, and although renting a Caribbean villa on St Lucia was essential I did take my own sandwiches!
I have therefore decided to continue submitting my rental claims to The Spoof News accounts department whilst researching my latest article, "the misuse of pencil sharpeners among the middle classes of Barbados!"