Plans for an independent auditing body to check MPs' expenses claims are expected to be approved next week in Westminster.
The independent body, MP5 Plc, will carefully review each Member's claims for such expenses as two homes within a mile of one other, and of Parliament, two chauffeured cars, two holidays abroad with Silvio Berlusconi, and two dinners a week at Claridge's restaurant.
Managing director of MP5, Sir Tacks Dodger, said: 'We are an entirely independent company, take a look at my business card', which reads 'MP5 Plc, Palace of Eastminster, London. B1 NG0.'
'We shall vigorously investigate MPs' expenses claims, and if so much as a hint of fraud, or of at least a hint of blatant inflating of the amounts involved are discovered, we shall ruthlessly use our wide powers and employ House of Commons cleaners to sweep it all under the green carpet.'
This is not the first time the House of Commons has come under scrutiny regarding what in any other part of the country would be called 'criminal fraud and embezzlement', as in the 1960s MP Robert Maxwell attempted to iron out the nearly openly fraudulent running of the House's subsidised restaurants.
Speaking from a watery grave, he said: 'Well, I did my best, and soon costs were a fraction of what they had been, and the restaurants even made some modest profits. But after much public handwringing by Labour government Ministers, it soon went back to the same old backhanders and dodgy stockkeeping, etc., costing the taxpayer millions of pounds. Sound familiar?'
But Sir Tacks disagreed with Mr. Maxwell's comments. 'Maxwell pulled of one of the biggest frauds in world history, stealing hundreds of millions of pension funds.'
'Under THIS government, Mr. Speaker - I mean Mr. Journalist, there have been no breaking of rules, and no fiddling of the grand violins of Claridge's tea room.' And his co-director, Mr. E. Clame added: 'Hear, hear!' But the manager of another firm of auditors, the Cameron Crookatives Plsleaze, said:
'Too many times Labour - er, MP5 have overclaimed stuff that we'd rather not go into too deeply, as we've had our fingers in the till for years. But let me just say this.'
'A Crookative audit would find far more errors and over-claims than an MP5 one, indeed we'd probably find that a couple of Cabinet ministers used three more paper clips than they had orinially put in for. That just shows you the sort of tough, no-nonsense, but still jolly nicechappy sort of bike-riding auditors we are.'
Mr. Maxwell was slowly turning in his grave, somewhere in the Sea of Sleaze.