Written by matwil
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Sunday, 10 May 2009

image for Gerry Adams doesn't refuse to take a British second home allowance
'Wish they'd get some different pictures for Ireland'

Provisional Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams, who has always refused to take his seat in Westminster due to protests against Britain's illegal 'occupation' of the six counties of Northern Ireland - despite the fact that the British there have been there for nearly 200 years longer than the British who illegally 'occupied' the USA - today didn't refuse £800,000 of British taxpayers' money.

'I know what you're thinking', he said, to a few sycophantic PSF workers in West Belfast, 'and the answer is - if you call me a hypocritical, cheap gangster, who has arranged for thousands of people to die for a cause against the evil British, but accepts their money, then you'd be right. But if you say it out loud, I'll get you kneecapped.'

It came as some surprise to Irish-Americans - the only people in the world apart from the Provisional IRA who want a United Ireland - that Mr. Adams not only accepts thousands of pounds of British taxpayers' money, but also that PSF MPs rent flats in London.

'Look', the bearded one said, 'the bullet and the ballot box have now been replaced by the tax refund and the ironing board. Not to mention the endless air fares the British government pays for.'

'And you should see my flat in West London, it's what most poor Irishmen can only dream of - Georgian terraced building, luxury antique furniture, professionally decorated, superb garden. The armed struggle? The only struggle we're having in London is with our corkscrews, to open our British government-supplied vintage wines.'

There was much head-scratching around the Falls Road in West Belfast at the news, and some were wondering how Gerry Adams could square receiving a small fortune in benefits from the UK with his Republican and IRA status, but a passing Protestant - cleverly disguised as a Catholic by wearing clothes - explained:

'Gerry Adams was born right here in West Belfast, and is a British citizen who holds a UK passport, and is a British MP. So why shouldn't he get the money? It's his own country paying for it. Don't listen to all the blarney Adams and his friends rabbit on about, you know, British repression, a United Ireland, even potato famines ...'

'He's as British as any Scotsman or Welshman, the whole Republican movement is just a massive con. And just like any Scot he's the first to get his nose into the English trough if he can!'

Shares in PIRA Inc fell sharply at the news, those in UVF'R'Us rose slightly, while those in the Irish American Funding Company held steady, as its shareholders live in a dreamworld about anything to do with Ireland, and would keep on funding the company if Gerry Adams turned out to be an informant for the British government.

Which is widely held to be true, as he was secretly sprung from gaol in the 1970s to hold talks with the British government in London, and not surprisingly peace has slowly broken out in Northern Ireland ever since.

And also ever since then he has risen to the heights of - being a British MP, with a flat in London. Maybe he's hoping to become the president of the Tooting Liberation Front nowadays ...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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