Middle class families and Guardian readers where in a state of panic up and down the brasseries and gastro pubs of Britain today after the Government announced the new pandemic - Wine Flu.
The symptoms of wine flu are headaches, loss of memory, a dry mouth and a paranoid fear that you may have said or done something embarrassing the night before. In extreme cases it can lead to loss of credibility in the work place as sufferers find themselves forced to sleep with the ugliest colleague they can find. The cause of the outbreak in Dulwich is being explained by the current recession forcing middle class families to buy cheaper red wine than they might usually do. There are unconfirmed reports of people ordering the house wine in a quaint little Bistro on Lordship Lane - an action which Health Officials say is the surest way for the condition to spread.
A spokesperson for the Department of the Bourgeoisie said: "We have identified several cases of wine flu in the middle class areas of Dulwich and Kensington. We have taken reasonable precautions and issued every household a case of six expensive bottles of Claret - with tasting notes."
Given that this is seen as a middle class issue, we asked the government whether the poor should be concerned about the outbreak of wine flu. A Downing Street spokesperson said:"We are New Labour - the days of old fashioned socialism and caring about the poor are long gone. The only way we are concerned with the colour red is the grape that is used in The Spectoator's recommendations. This wine flu could wipe out our middle class support - and we need to spend all our time and allowances on sorting it out."