Gordon Brown has admitted seeking professional help after finally coming to terms with the fact he had developed an addiction to letter writing. The signs of increased irritability, nail-biting and nose-picking had recently given way to apathy, depression and a random sinister smile.
It appears his troubles began in late 2008 with a devious single-handed attempt to save the Royal Mail through increasing national postal volumes. Brown began, often late at night, alone in his office, by sending one or two short letters at a time, congratulating NHS staff on their successes.
This practice soon developed into a habit and in within a matter of weeks, Brown had ordered Peter Mandelson to hand-select a covert unit of young apprentices to assist with his scheme. However, given the complete absence of any other successes which he could reasonably associate himself with, Brown began to tie himself to failure and loss, mailing condolence letters to anyone from footballer John Terry to Jade Goody.
Sadly, these 'natural' failures was still not enough to satisfy his addiction, and Brown, learning that Mandleson and his young charges were already 'balls deep', ordered his other closest advisors to strategise full time on devising new fuck-ups and therefore reasons to send letters. As we now know, this successfully resulted in the McBride 'smear campaign' emails and resulting letters of apology.
Although concerned government ministers challenged him on his habits, becoming more and more vocal in public, sources reveal Brown grew deeper embroiled in this shadowy underworld, experimenting with different varieties of fonts and handwriting. As long as Royal Mail letter-volumes grew ever higher, he saw justification in his sickening addiction.
It wasn't until the last few days that Brown finally realised the futility of his plans and reached 'rock bottom', agreeing to seek outside help. After several weeks of waiting, chasing on the phone and trips to local sorting offices only to find that the lazy bastards had closed for the day, Brown finally gave up on the Royal Mail, following the discovery that they had lost his authority.
Royal Mail have issued a statement through their lawyers questioning whether the aforementioned authority ever actually existed and further noting "...anyway, your MPs have so many bloody homes, how are we supposed to know which one to deliver things to, you greedy fuckers!"