Bolton man Tommy Chadderton was in for the biggest shock of his life today when doctors told him that his skin was no longer waterproof.
Chadderton had complained that whenever he touched water, he swelled up grotesquely, without realising that he was in fact absorbing the water like a sponge because his skin is no longer waterproof.
"Mister Chadderton is in a really bad place at the moment," Doctor Raine Rivers told me. "If he as much as touches water with his hand, his entire arm balloons up like a massive flipper. There are many practical restrictions which now apply to him, essential life adjustments, like not going out in the rain. If he were to do so, he'd swell up like a bloody huge great blimp."
Tommy Chadderton was quietly philosophical regarding his predicament. He told us:
"I used to like swimming, now that's a no-no. Even paddling in the sea is out of the question - me feet come up like watermelons. On the plus side though, it gets me out of doing the washing up."
More as we get it.