It has just been revealed by the government that in an effort to combat the slow burning swine flu pandemic, that every home in the country is to be issued with a free pig.
PM Gordon Broon told a packed House Of Commons:
"We've thought long and hard about this strategy. We believe it will work. Every family will be issued with a pig. The family will then monitor the pig for signs of influenza, such as sneezing, runny eyes, vomiting, and the screaming shits. Should your pig exhibit symptoms it will be your task to slaughter it, butcher it, and eat it. You can't catch swine flu from eating pork. This way we will eliminate the problem at source."
Opposition leader 'Do Nothing' David Cameron told us that he couldn't make his mind up whether it was a sound strategy or not.
Gurkha campaigner extraordinaire, Joanna Lumley asked us how exactly you go about slaughtering a pig?
"Easy," we told her. "Just rope its back legs together, hoist it up and slash its throat with a sharp knife. When it stops squealing and thrashing about, it's dead. Probably."
More as we get it.